Excerpt from my novel? i like brutally honest criticism :)?

It's hard to write first person without using the words 'I', 'me' etc. too much. Look at ways you can write a sentence removing those. You change point of view so you'll want to look at that, too. You're writing first person meaning you are only inside that character's head. So she can't know that he's aggravated and about to give up. You could rewrite that so that he drops her, leaves, comes back, sighs heavily, that kind of body language that shows the aggravation. The description of the guy at the beginning is a bit much because she's in a stressful situation. Some guy comes crashing along being chased, and you're going to spend moments dissecting his looks? Not realistic. What would work stronger is if you worked his description in a bit at a time, within narrative and dialog as the story progresses. You could give a tiny bit of description, but keep in mind a scene like this is supposed to be tense and scary. You accomplish that by writing action and dialog, not setting, description, and long parts of narrative. Your opening line is a bit odd, unless it follows something we haven't read here. Why is she holding back a smile and biting her lip? It has nothing to do with what follows. Those are a few comments that hopefully help. Good luck with your story.